Feel free to add your own!
Birth control
- What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities.
- —Guest auto engineer
engineer in hell
- An engineer was mistakingly thrown to hell. On getting there, he notice dat things wasn't comfortable for him. So he made some changes like installing air conditioning, and all that. So God call Satan on phone and said 'how is hell over there?' and he said 'hell is fine, infact I have been enjoying dis engineer u sent to me, he has make a lots of changes here.' and God said 'no it was a mistake, send him here' but Satan refuse saying 'no, i won't, i love having engines on board'.
- —Guest olatunji yinkka
poem dedicated to engineers....
- ENGINEER BORN TO DIE. (must read) A heart touching poem by an engineering student....... If i die in a exam zone, Box me up & send my home, Put my papers on my chest, And tell my mother i did my best Tell my dad not to bow, He will not get tension from me now, Tell my brother to study perfectly, Keys of my bike will be his permanently, Tell my sister don't be upset, Her brother will not rise after this sunset, Don't tell my friends they are hearties, And start to for parties, And tell my love not to cry, "BECAUSE ... I'M ENGINEER BORN TO DIE."
- —Guest amanndeep singh
deep
- ******************************* ***** What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets. ******************************* *****
- —Guest amann
Light Bulb Change
- How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows, they never figured it out.
- —Guest Jack Daniels
oh...
- 3 men were about to be put into the guitine(obviously one at a time). two of the three men were Christian, and the last was an engineer. the first person to go up was one of the Christians, made a last request, to face upward towards god. they allowed it and pulled the lever. the blade came down, but stopped an inch before cutting his head off. the other Christian was next and he made the same request, and the same thing happened. last was the engineer. he said, "you know what? why not?" and he also faced upward towards god. right before they pulled the lever, the engineer said "oh, I see the problem"
- —Guest gggc13
Two Engineers on a Date
- Two engineers were on a date at a swimming pool. They are sitting on the end of a diving board when the guy says to the girl, "I think we're having a moment." The girl looks to the guy and says, "We'd make a great couple."
- —Guest Seth
Even the Donkey cried.
- Once a King wanted to get his daughter married in the old swayamvara style. The princess posted a challenge that she would marry any one who makes her donkey cry with out hurting it. Many eligible princes from neighboring states came and tried their best (magic, poojas, sounds and tricks) to make the donkey cry. The donkey did not cry. Days passed, no result. Finally one young boy came from a far away village. He also went to the donkey. Every one laughed at him.. But still, he went ahead and murmured some thing into the donkeys ears. Immediately the donkey started weeping. The prince was happy and she married the young boy. After the grand marriage, the King asked the boy what he did to make the donkey cry. He replied. Nothing. I only told the donkey that I am a maintenance engineer. The donkey cried because he understood my pathetic condition as a maintenance engineer which is a thankless job. Still worse than a donkeys life.
- —Rajavenkateswaran
An engineer and relationship
- Once, an engineer told a girl: ENG: i wanna make a relationship with you... GIRL:Ok. But no sex. Cause i'm preserving it for my husband. ENG: ok. Then i also have a condition. You can't spend my money. GIRL:why? ENG: cause i'm preserving it for my wife...... Girl sucks and engineer rocks.....
- —Guest Provakar Mondol
Constipated engineer
- Did you hear about the constipated engineer? - He worked it out with a pencil
- —Guest Tommy
Engineering Luck
- Engineers do not believe in luck nearly as much as they rely on it.
- —Guest Urix
Water Glasses
- An optimist sees the glass half full. A pessimist sees the glass half empty. An engineer sees a glass twice as big as it needs to be.
- —Guest Brooks P.
Engineers are like Slinky's
- Both aren't good for much but they are sure fun to push down the stairs.
- —Guest Mark
The Fridge
- A Engineer gets home from work and sees a note on the fridge from his wife. "This isn't working, I'm at my moms". he opens the fridge and checks the light, then grabs a beer and feels it cold. The engineer thinks to himself. "The fridge works fine"
- —Guest Guest Engineer
An Engineer And A Lawyer
- An engineer and a lawyer attended an interview separately. The Engineer was asked: If ten men cleared one hecter of land in ten hours how many hours would five men require to clear the same piece of land? The engineer answered: If ten men cleared one hecter for ten hours ,then one man would re quire 10 X 10 hours. Therefore five men would require 10x10 divided by 5 i.e 20hours. The lawyer was asked the same question and he answered: If ten men cleared one hecter of land for ten hours , then there would be no piece of land for any man to clear. Therefore five men would require zero hour.
- —Guest Adesanya adebolu
Ill Advised
- A fire engineer,who could not speek arabic, was finding it difficult to market his newely invented fire extinguisher in the Arabian continent .He consulted an expert who advised him to use photographic symbols. Now he proceeded with a three stage demonstration photographs,namely (1)a car on fire , (2) a man fighting the fire with the device, then (3) a clean car. Meanwhile the arabs read from right to the left, so they avoided the devise completely.
- —Guest Adesanya adebolu
Advances and details
- A young damsel was asked why she would not marry either of her engineer or lawyer boyfriends. She replied' the engineers make advances and add no detail , the lawyers argue details and make no advance'.
- —Guest Adesanya adebolu
John S
- An engineer is someone who uese a slide rule to multiply two by two; gets an answer of 3.99 and calls it 4 to the nearest significant figure
- —Guest John S
Lightbulbs
- How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They wouldn't do it. It's a hardware problem.
- —streeeeetch
Chemical Engineer vs Chemist
- What's the difference between a chemical engineer and a chemist? Answer: about $50k a year
- —Guest Chemmy
Chemical Engineer and Chemist
- What's the difference between a chemical engineer and a chemist? A chemical engineer does for profit what a chemist does for fun.
- —Guest SciGuy
Wife or Mistress?
- An architect, artist and engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with their wives or mistresses. The architect said "I like spending time with my wife building a firm foundation of a marriage." The artist said "I enjoy the time I spend with my mistress because of all the passion and energy." The engineer said "I enjoy both. If you have a wife and a mistress, both women think you are with the other so you can go to work get more done"
- —Guest Bazza201
MechE and CivE extra info
- The Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers post below can add Chemical Engineers as engineers that build targets that explode really well.
- —Guest ChemE Dude
Engineering Joke
- A girl asked her boy friend, an engineer, "Don't you want to see where i was operated upon for appendicitis?".The engineer replied "Oh, i hate to see a hospital".
- —Vijaynathan
Definition of an Engineer
- What is the definition of an engineer? Answer: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
- —gemdragon
It takes one to know one.
- Engineer and Mathematician (males) were given the opportunity to compete for a very attractive woman. But there was one condition: "You can only run half the remaining distance between you and the lady". Eng. sprinted forward while Math. didn't. Why aren't you running? Asked members of the Committee. Because, by definition, I will never be allowed to reach my target. And you Eng. why are you running? Don't you know the same? Yes, said Eng. my learned friend is correct. But I will get close enough for all practical purposes.
- —Guest Mr. Murphy
A little risque...
- An engineering major sees classmate riding up on a new bike and asks when he got it. "I was walking back from the computer lab when the most beautiful woman I had ever seen rode up on this bike, stopped, took all her clothes off and said to me 'Take what you want!'" "Good choice," the friend replies. "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
- —Guest Matt
EE Humor
- I keep trying to find a phone number in Atlanta, but all the websites keep returning "Not Found" errors. (Explanation: The area code for Atlanta is 404 as in HTTP 404, the error code for "File Not Found")
- —Guest Software Engineer
Your College Degree Joke
- A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like an apple pie with that?"
- —Guest Engineer
Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers
- What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.
- —Mr. MechEng
Engineers and Glasses
- The optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be.
- Source: http://chemistry.about.com/u/ua/chemistryfunhumor/Engineering-Jokes-And-Humor.01.htm
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